This Mortal Shell Cracked and Bleeding
by sigrun1asatru
Summary: Clarke walked away from her people haunted by her choices. Whether she was looking for redemption or the death she deserved she didn't know. Meanwhile the peoples of the ground try to forge a new life of peace but can life really be more than just surviving in such a world.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHORS NOTE: I'm back with a new story. I may return to The Future is Ours someday no promises but I'm just not feeling it right now. Trust me you don't want me forcing myself to write it would majorly suck. Anyway hope you enjoy this new story.

The people from the Ark slowly trudged their way through the gates of Camp Jaha. They were all bloodied and tired. Their people were free from Mount Weather and the mountain men would never again threaten anyone. Maybe now that the war was over their people could finally begin to build a real life on the ground.

Just past the tree line overlooking the camp stood Clarke Griffin. She allowed herself a small smile at seeing her people safe. There had been a few losses but mostly everyone was saved but at such a cost. She should feel happy, relieved but all she could see were the bodies. Some guilty mostly innocent. She had killed children and while she knew she had no choice the guilt and horror of her actions weighed heavily upon her.

Just ahead of her Bellamy Blake turned around and saw Clarke stopped at the trees. He walked back towards her. "Clarke? Our people are waiting. I'm sure they'll want to celebrate. You saved us again."

Clarke glanced back at camp with tears in her eyes before looking back at Bellamy. "I can't go back. Seeing them everyday knowing what I had to do to get them here. It would feel like being locked up all over again. I'd suffocate."

Bellamy reached for her hands. "You did what you had to. No one can fault you for that. If you need forgiveness I can give you that."

Clarke shook her head. "I did what I had to just like when I burned 300 grounders alive, just like when I slid a knife into Finn's heart, just like when I let a bomb drop on Tondici to protect you. There were children in there and I pulled a lever and killed them. I'm tired of doing what I had to do. I lose more of my soul each time until soon there won't be anything of me left."

"We need you Clarke."

"No you don't not like this. "

Bellamy looked at her for a moment before sighing in resignation. He knew there was no changing Clarke's mind once it was set on something. "Where will you go?"

Clarke shrugged. "I don't know."

"Will you ever come back?"

"Maybe someday."

Bellamy hugged Clarke close. "Take care of yourself. You're better than all of us combined."

Clarke nodded against his shoulder before pulling back. "Take care of them for me."

Bellamy nodded and Clarke started to walk away before turning back. "We need the alliance still."

"The grounders left us to die why should we try to get along with them now?"

"Our people can't fight another war. The grounders did what they had to in order to save their people same as us. They know how to survive down here and I'm sure our technology would benefit them. We all need peace. I need there to be peace otherwise all the deaths, all the blood on my hands was for nothing."

"Okay. I promise I'll do my best to make that happen."

"That's all I can ask." She cast a long look back at camp trying to memorize her people alive and safe." May we meet again."

"May we meet again." Bellamy watched with a sad heart as Clarke disappeared into the trees. "see ya princess." He hoped Clarke would find the inner peace she deserved and return to them one day.

He walked through the gates and was greeted by Octavia who immediately noticed the tears in his eyes. " Bell?" She looked behind him seeing no sign of Clarke. "Where's Clarke?"

Bellamy swallowed. " She's gone."

"What do you mean gone? She was right behind you."

"She left. Said she couldn't stay knowing what she had to do to get us here."

Octavia pulled Bellamy into a tight hug. "She'll be alright. Clarke's stronger than anybody I know." Bellamy nodded. "You know Abby is going to skin you alive when she finds out you let Clarke leave right?"

Back in Tondici a scout raced towards the Commander's tent. He was granted immediate entry. He found his Commander pacing in her tent while generals Indra and Anya stood calmly by the throne.

The commander stopped pacing as soon as she noticed the scout. "Arn what news from the mountain."

"The sky people are free. The mountain men are dead."

"Dead? all of them."

"Sha Heda. I went inside all lay burned and dead. The men, the women, the children."

Lexa swallowed having a good idea of how such a thing happened and who was responsible for it. "What of Clarke of the sky people? Does she still draw breath?"

"Sha heda but..." Arn trailed off well aware of his Commanders volatile temper.

"But what speak now or I will ensure you never speak again."

"She followed her people back to their camp but did not go in with them. She only had a small pack and a skaikru weapon with her."

"You may leave Arn. Tell Freya to take up post around Camp Jaha. I need to know if they plan revenge on us."

Arn bowed before exiting the tent. As soon as he was gone the Commander turned to her two generals. "Leave me."

Indra obeyed without question but Anya hesitated. "Lexa"

"Do you disobey your Commander. I said leave me." Anya sighed and quickly left the tent.

Once she had Lexa took off her shoulder armor and threw it across the tent before collapsing on her throne. The burden of being Heda had never weighed more heavily on her than now. She had left Clarke alone when she had needed Lexa the most. Because of that Clarke was forced to do something she would probably never forgive herself for. She had tried to spare Clarke learning all the harsh lessons of being a leader in this world but instead she had destroyed her. Now Clarke had left the safety of Camp Jaha and was wondering the woods alone. Once again Lexa was going to be responsible for the death of the girl she loved.

AUTHORS NOTE 2: Yay! Anyas alive because I want her to be and I because I think Lexa needs one person she can confide in as Lexa not the Commander.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke wondered through the woods with no destination in mind. She just wanted as far away as possible from her people and all the reminders they carried. It seemed as if every part of her ached deep down to her soul. She felt as if she'd aged decades in the months since she had crashed to earth. The smell of death was burned in her nostrils. She quickly shook such thoughts from her head and trudged on.

Hours passed and she was unsure how many miles she had walked: mind numb barely conscious of her surroundings. It would be getting dark soon she knew she should find shelter for the night, build a fire. Did she deserve any sort of comfort though with the blood on her hands?

Just then a load clap of thunder sounded overhead and a downpour started. Great she thought. She really should have thought this out better, had Bellamy bring her some supplies a freaking tent at least but she sighed and walked ahead.

She jumped when lightning struck a tree a few feet ahead. Her survival instincts kicked in and she hurriedly looked around for anywhere to provide even a little protection from the storm. There what looked to be a cave. She ran the remaining distance to it and quickly entered. It would do for the night. She took off her jacket and balled it up into a makeshift pillow. Tomorrow she would worry about finding a more permanent camp.

Back at the newly renamed Arkadia Bellamy stood in the Chancellor's office with Kane and Octavia and a very quiet Abby. He glanced nervously at her waiting for the inevitable explosion.

Abby took a deep breath trying to calm herself. "You mean to tell me you let my daughter wander off on her own with no supplies and barely a weapon on her? What the hell were you thinking?"

"You didn't see her. We've all done things down here we're not proud of but Clarke has made the really tough decisions. It's weighing her down. She just needs some time to herself and she'll come back to us."

Abby swallowed hard. She'd done this to her little girl. She never wanted Clarke to be in her shoes.

Octavia stepped forward. "She'll be fine. If anyone can survive on their own down here it's Clarke. "

Abby nods. "We'll give her a few days but if she's not back by then we send search parties. In the meantime I want you two and Raven once she's recovered to help the rest of our people acclimate to life on the ground."

The Blake siblings shared a look before Bellamy spoke what they both were thinking. "We're just kids."

"You stopped being kids the moment we sent you down here. It's going to take a lot of work from everyone to make this place a home for our people. What's left of the hundred have months of knowledge of what it's like down here. Now go get some rest."

After the pair left Kane placed a hand on Abby's shoulder. "She'll be alright. Clarke is stronger than anyone I've ever met."

Abby nodded before bringing another concern. "What about the grounders? What do we do?"

"I don't believe the Commander will attack us. Deep down she wants peace as much as we do. So we don't provoke them, but be prepared just in case."

In Ton DC Lexa sat brooding on her throne agonizing over the decision she's made. No matter how many times she thought things over she could not change the past nor would she. She knew given the options at the time she chose the best one for her people. Heda belonged to her people. Lexa had died with Costia. She had briefly been brought back to life with Clarke but life had again reminded her that Commanders were meant to be alone.

She'd ripped out her heart along with Clarkes when she'd walked away. Now she couldn't get Clarkes face at the moment when she realized Lexa's betrayal out of her mind. Clarke had trusted and cared for her and she walked away as if Clarke meant nothing. She meant everything. Clarke was fire and everything good and beautiful in the world that Lexa had absolutely no right to. Lexa was poison to anyone who got close to her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Anya storming into her tent. "You have been sulking for two days. Your people need you. We should be returning to Polis."

" I cannot leave yet. I must oversee the rebuilding of Ton DC."

"We both know Indra is more than capable of handling that. You're just hoping for news on the skaiprisa."

"Clarke is an excellent leader to her people. Of course I'm worried what they will do without her guidance."

"Lexa, you forget I have known you since you were eight summers old but even those who don't know you as well would find it hard to miss the looks exchanged between you two. You were wrong to take that deal. You should have taken the Mountain with Clarke at your side."

Lexa shot up from her throne and stalked towards Anya stopping inches from her face. "I am still your Commander do not question my decisions."

Anya refused to back down. She knew Lexa would never hurt her so long as she kept her questioning private. "What if Clarke hadn't defeated the Maunon what was your plan exactly?"

"I had it handled."

"They would be free to walk the ground. Surely you're not naive enough to think they'd just let us be. They would not stop until they had all that was ours."

Lexa growled and turned throwing her dagger. It imbedded itself in the support beam just beside Anya's head. Both women stood glaring at each other for a few moments before Lexa slumped back into her throne.

"At least tell me you didn't do it because you're scared of your feelings for Clarke."

"You think so little of me. I asked Clarke to come to Polis with me after it was all over. I think she would have if I didn't... I wanted to show her that there was more to here than death and difficult decisions. I had no choice. If I didn't order a retreat all our people in the mountain would have been slaughtered. We would have lost most of our army for nothing. The maunon said they had more missiles and they would aim them at all our villages in range. We would fall with them. All those lives or sacrifice less than a hundred skaikru even if that included Clarke there was only one option. The rest I would find a solution to later. Now even if Clarke survives on her own she'll never forgive me."


	3. Chapter 3

**authors note:** Yay I finally updated. Sorry about the delay. Ital iced parts are dreams in case that wasn't clear.

Clarke had been wandering aimlessly though the endless forests for days: no thought in her mind but getting as far away from her people and the things she had done as she could. The first couple of days her mental and physical exhaustion ensured she collapsed at the end of the day. After those initial days though her sleep became plagued with nightmares.

 _Clarke found herself walking though the forest. Dense fog blanketed everything and it was dark, so very dark. The air was suffocating and she struggled to get enough breath to continue walking along the path._

 _She paused when she heard music and voices up ahead. She followed a bend in the path and saw a clearing just a few feet ahead. A large campfire was burning, the fog stayed at the edge of the forest, and the place radiated life and joy. The person whose back was turned to her suddenly turned around and she stopped in her tracks. He looked like she disgusted him. "Wells?"_

 _"You don't belong here, Clarke. I let you hate me to protect you. You never deserved my devotion. This, the true you, was hidden beneath a beautiful face and eyes so blue anyone could drown in but you're a monster."_

 _She stepped back as if he'd slapped her and glanced down in horror to see her hands covered in blood. She ran over to the nearby river and started furiously trying to scrub the blood off. A achingly familiar voice made her jerk her head up._

 _"That won't work kid. You can never undo the things you've done."_

 _"Dad, I... I did what I had to. I tried to save everyone like you would have, I tried to be the good guy."_

 _Jake shook his head and looked at Clarke with so much disappointment. "You're not the daughter I raised." With that he faded into the surrounding fog._

 _She jolted when a hand came into her line of vision. "Finn" He helped her to her feet and she stood on shaking legs._

 _"Hi, Princess. I died for you cause I thought you were perfect and worth saving. I was wrong. How could I have ever fell for you. Raven is a thousand times the woman you'll ever be. You tried to save everyone but you trusted those savages and innocent people paid for your mistake. Do everyone a favor stay gone. They're better off without you."_

 _Clarke started shaking uncontrollably and had tears running down her face. She started shaking more when Dante Wallace complete with a bleeding gunshot would she inflicted stepped into the clearing. Beside him was Maya. "Please stop. No more please."_

 _"It never stops Clarke. That's why I painted remember."_

 _Maya stepped to her and pushed Clarke into the river which now was flowing blood. "I helped you. You tried to act like you were better than us but look at what you did." She swept her hand and Clarke was back in a dining hall filled with horrendously burned people some of them children. "You're worse than we ever were."_

 _Clarke lay in the river wishing it would take her away when she heard the one voice she could never forget no matter how hard she tried._

 _"Pathetic. I once almost respected you as an equal. Some leader you are."_

 _"Lexa, you betrayed me. I thought you cared."_

 _Lexa knelt down beside Clarke tenderly stroking her face. "Love is weakness. I simply used yours against you. Your people were the cure while mine were a temporary solution for the maunon. My people would be free without further bloodshed and yours well ... I thought I'd be rid of two of my people's enemies. Pity that you didn't give up. No matter that's easily remedied." Lexa pulled out her danger and plunged it into Clarke's heart._

Clarke jolted upright clutching at her chest and wildly looking around. The stars still shone, her campfire still burned and she was alive. Whether he deserved to be or not was another question.

From that night anytime Clarke slept her victims would torment her. She wandered sleeping only when she could physically go no further, foraging just enough to keep her alive. She couldn't stand killing anything to eat. Clarke knew she didn't deserve an ounce of comfort. She deserved to suffer. She hoped her people could do more than survive but she had lost that right. She would live with her ghosts and maybe someday death would grant her release.


End file.
